Only a mother’s love.
I am a very lucky person. I was privileged enough to have such an incredible mother in my life for 24 years, and she will live on within me forever. I’m not going to be hateful, I’m not going to go all “fuck cancer” on the world. That’s not what I am here to do. My mother wasn’t a hateful person, and neither am I. It’s a tragedy that happened to someone who had a heart of gold and a strong reminder that life isn’t fair.
You know when you watch movies, or speak to people and they say “I held her hand until the end, I slept in the hospital all night”? I’m sorry, but no. That’s not reality. One thing they never tell you is that it’s absolutely horrible sitting in that hospital room. I’d be in there for 30 seconds before the thoughts of leaving entered my mind and consumed me. It was my own torture that I’d endure for my mother, because I love her so much.
The last words she spoke to me before leukaemia took away her consciousness were “I love you too”. I spent that night telling her how proud of her I am. How she has fought so hard. I told her that I never used to, but I now see so much of myself in her. I am blessed with my mother’s strength, determination, resilience, loving heart, sharp mind and obscure humour.
I am glad to say that when it happened, when she took her last breath, everyone was there. I was sitting next to her and we all knew straight away as the little colour left in her face faded.
Mum, Nicki, my mother… I love you. I am incredibly sad of your passing, but equally relieved. No more fighting. No more suffering. You’re at peace now.
I know that she will be with me always. I’ll carry her legacy, living my life to the fullest, with love and laughter, just as she would have wanted.
While the heart beats, hope lingers.